Two Worlds

I have to first mention that it has been a long time since I have last blogged. It is usually because I don't have anything to share. Blogging about anything just because I feel I need to, seems futile. Today, though, I want to talk.

This coming week, I have what is called "Sales Training", though it is more to get the employees to learn about the products that my company makes.

It has been presented that this training would benefit me by educating me about my company (which is useful) but then will help me in upward mobility. My boss explains to me, "My job is to provide the opportunity, it is your job to look for those opportunities." My company though does not always provide those opportunities unless you come in either as a lab worker or from the office. Production/fermentation employees are usually limited to, well. . . . . . production and fermentation.

My feelings are that, one, I used to have the heart of a corporate climber, if I get that better job, my life would be made. I ran after this for twenty years. Each time, things happen that brought frustration and disappointment. Finally, I have now a job that is peaceful, in that, I work four days, then off four days. I have given up a couple years ago chasing the "American dream" and its materialistic treasures.

So now, I am going to a training that is geared toward what I have died to. I don't look forward to facing something that has no interest to me. I will be there with people who have a total different world view than me. I am aware that I am not the cleverest or intelligent of beings, so there will people who will press their "behaviors" or aggressive personality for their own personal gain. I really don't care. Just don't do it at my expense. I am tire of dealing with those "go getters", because they are a part of a world system that have brought me rejection.

My boss smiles with a bemusement at my mention of the term, "go getter". He is one of these people who has found the blessing at Alltech and is at age 27, a department manager. He can be a nice guy, especially if his world goes well. Frustrate him, he acts as an animal backed into a world. It is a matter of not being able to handle disappointment. I have handled disappointment. I don't wish it on anyone, but I am hopeful to those who face it will find peace in God.

I rabbit trail, I know I do. I am puking my emotions, fears, and anxiety here. I want to cry to myself. It is facing the past disappointments of my work. I have been able to avoid them because it is hard to face death. This I must do.

Temper, temper

This morning at work, I was doing one of those jobs where preparation time compared to actual time doing the work is unbalanced. Too much preparation to get something done. I became frustrated with trying to get things done. I do the one thing in my conviction that is worse than all others things: I knowingly sinned and didn't care because of anger. Normally, this is material we save for confession, but I did the deed, and I feel real bad about this action.

Normally, I am a person who already thinks of God as not so much as a terrorist, but as a very mean parent. Do a ton of good and then one bad thing, what good have you done? I wish to serve God whole-heartedly, but lately I have faltered severely. I am pouring myself into Scripture reading not to be declared a "saint", but to be pleasing before God. The more good I desire to do, the better quality of bad I commit.

If anyone reads this blog, understand one thing for me, if I die separated from God, know that God is good, God is holy, and His Son is worth every sacrifice we can muster up to do.

Day 8½

Yesterday at work, I had my evaluation, I didn't much care for it. What it boiled down to, is "you worked hard, but you need to work hard." Do managers ever catch on that we (the employee) have heard all the same speech since the beginning of time. I see someday that you will be manager, or well you just have to out perform everyone else.

It is the nineth day of straight work for me, I leave at noon to start a ten day vacation. I will be glad to get out of here. The people here are driving me nuts. The ones that exercise the most influence are the ones with the biggest mouths. I have the most hardest time with the ones who call themselves "born-again" Christians, but you wonder why they act the way they do. One guy here, I work with, is a braggart and shows no humility. He is the one out of all the others here that I have a hard time dealing with.

Another person I have had trouble with this past year is the Hindu man I have worked along side. He is 60 years old and set in his ways. He told my boss that he doesn't want to work with me, that none of the other employees like me. He says that my boss will find out next year when I work with someone else that I am the bad employee. This past year, I felt that I have spent my time dealing peacefully and patiently with this man and that he does only what he has to and not going the extra mile. Yet he gets angry with me when I do other work to help out the department without jeopardizing the daily schedule of work.

I will be so glad when I am off for the next ten days, the people here drive me nuts. Heck, the whole American attitude about what is important is a short drive off the pier for me.

When I get off, I will get to go home... ...oh yeah, my son is going to see the doctor this afternoon, he has an ear infection.

Day 5

Day 5 of my extended work week. I am working with another guy in his department filling bags. FUN. One of the guys in my department as soon as I come in is relentless at insulting me. Don't know if he is joking, or if he serious. Gets tiring after awhile. Won't talk to him, he can't understand why have such a bad attitude. Let's add this up!

The Work I do today is good work, but I am tired, can't wait until Friday noon.

Sometimes You Feel Like an Ass...

I just got done posting a comment to Light Fraction blog site and made an ass of myself, I was referring to a paragraph that looked like a math word problem, and commented that I looked in the back of the blog for the answer like did in math class going through my math book. I left out the part where I mentioned I would look up the answer. It is 5 PM, I have been at work since 5 AM. I am tired. Four more days and a wake-up to go!

Surviving the Time

Well, it is Sunday @ 11:30 a.m., I am working my job. Four days on, four days off. This week will be different. I am working eight crazy days straight. Mind you, it is 12 hour shifts. It always sounds as if I am boasting. It is my job, and I am doing what I hired onto do.

Observation: Whenever I go over four days, I get grumpy. My temper is hot, my longsuffering is short, and the worst, yes the worst, I will launch out at my wife and son. *SIGH*

Did I ever tell of how much I love my wife, Ash and my son, Liam? I do. Why? It is mostly mysterious. Could it be the way my wife smiles? How 'bout when I am laying down on the bed, and my boy thinks it is his duty to sit on my head and bounce up and down like some pro-wrestler. What of the appreciation I have for my wife in working at making a home for my son and me. Or could it be that my son has had some adventure, most of the time with his buddy, Ji-jah (short for Elijah). Yet there has been days when my wife is angry about something like when Liam played fast pitch with the Christmas bulbs. Mad today, memories tomorrow.

So what does this sentimentality have to do with my long-ass work week? A lot, it is the memories and the moments when I laugh to myself that get me through the week.

This Really Going to Sound Dorky

After much deliberation, trial and error, I finally found a title I love for my blog:



SPENT MEDIA

World View

Having lived in this world for some time, I have found one common thread: people are given to stereotyping. My wife accuses me of stereotyping. I do, I will admit freely. Yet there is a stereotyping that people do that categorizes people that sets them up for discrimination or categorization as less than human (which discrimination does anyway). A recent blog by a friend of mine does that. Without knowledge, he believes certain people should not be allowed to breed. Those categories include abusers (I can see that), but also includes the impoverished. No subcategory of what type of people in the poverty category should not have breeding rights, but all impoverished. I corrected him on his snobbery, not all impoverished are bad parents. His comeback was the crack moms who blow their welfare check and not those who try hard to make decent living. I felt that to include crack moms (and dads) into the impoverished group was wrong. These in my humble opinion are abusers. More importantly though, as a journalist, my friend should know better to make a better distinction between different groups. I believe abusers of any type (physical, mental, or addiction) should not be having kids, yet we should not include all poor people. Not all poor people are drug addicts, and not all rich people are good families.

Strife

I have strife in my life, as we all do. Many people give solutions on how to deal with it. Most of it is ridiculous because either it is not well thought out or that it is so humanistic, it leaves God out of the picture.

I am tired of struggling with sin, I am tired of of fighting and praying against temptation. I am wearing of falling and having to confess. I am tired of confessing, because I am tired of having to bring this before God. I want to live totally holy and pure. I want to die a saint, I want to be remember as a holy man, and having left a mark.

I am looking to accept the fact that I will die unknown, forgotten and occupying a space on this planet with so many unknowns and forgottens.

The only legacy I have is the influence I will have on my son and his decendants. I hope I don't fuck this one up.